PET PEEVE #89

Dear women,

I feel I must inform you of a huge mistake that you are making. Maybe you don't know. Maybe you just don't care....but I feel compelled to tell you: This bouffant-ponytail shit has got to go. The freshly f*cked look is really getting on my nerves. I spend half my morning to make sure I don't look freshly f*cked before I walk out the door and you women spend half the morning with hair spray and combs and shit to make sure you look like you are. WTF?

Granted, I'm not the expert in hairstyles. I have spent the past five years of my meager existence being bored to tears with my hair and doing anything to it to just give me a little thrill.When long I have had it cornrowed....

I have kinked the crap out of it.....

I've shaved my head bald......Now I'm toying with blonde....

I completely understand dear women, if you don't take my advice. I mean, I am quite a whack-job when it comes to hair. But I did see a picture of Angelina Jolie in this bouffant pony-tail crap, and even on Angelina...Hello?....Angelina effing Jolie, she looks like a crack horror needing a fix. So if Angelina can't pull it off, think twice my lovely ladies. You are better off without it.

Your trusty goddess of style,

-tallulah

IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE

Every time I look in the mirror and think I am having a bad hair day, I am reminded of this:

Poor BooBoo!

ME LOVES ME SOME BUBBY

Two recent reasons why I will keep Bubby around:

I mentioned yesterday how much I hated the looks of my hair. Bubby replied, "I like it. It looks very European."
This morning Bubby said, "Your butt feels so much firmer than it used to be."

And really, even if both of his comments are big, fat lies.......I totally am up for some ego stroking.

LIPSTICK LESBIAN OR ILL?

I have never really cared who was attracted to me....men, women, hermaphrodites, the dog humping my leg. I like the attention.

But I must say I have been quite surprised by the amount of female attention that has been directed my way lately. Women following me around stores. Women going out of their way to say "hi" to me. The "Britney Spears Buzz" seems to be working for me.

On the other hand, men stare at me like I'm some sort of freak. That's okay too. I am kinda freaky by nature and then when you add my confident personality, that sends them running away from me with their tail between their legs. They are not up for the challenge.

The checker at the grocery store that I frequent knows me by face. When he saw me the other day, he appeared shocked. He then went out of his way to bag my groceries, lift them and determine they were too heavy for me, re-bag my groceries and then deny me the right to even carry them in a basket to my car. He thought I was sick. (I am, but in a twisted kinda not ill way.) I thought about mentioning to him that I wasn't really ill and that I cut my hair for my sister and all of the details surrounding having little hair on my head in the butt-f*ck frozen tundra that I live in, but then I realized that I really like having a man carry my groceries to the car.

I also had a little boy of about 9 years of age, stop me in a store and tell me how beautiful I was. Bubby had to ruin it by whispering to me after he walked away that the boy looked retarded. Bubby's such a reassuring kind of guy......

IS IZZY A ISABELLA?

On any given day, this is how Izzy is dressed.The child doesn't have any feminine traits. He walks like a boy. He wears camouflage and skulls. He does karate moves and likes loud and obnoxious things like cars and video games.

And yet, people can't get past the "hair thing."

Today was the first time in four sessions that his gymnastics teacher realized that Izzy was a boy and stopped calling him "she" or "sweetie".

Bubby says, "Do people really think that we dress our little girl like a bull-dike?

Cmon people! Get over the hair.