IF YOU BUMP IT....YOU WILL GRIND IT

The lovely thing about friends is that they always have the perfect gift for you. Your friends know you so well that they could be walking through a store one day and see something and BAM! They HAVE to get it for their friend because it is the most perfect gift in the whole entire universe!

If you remember from this post.....I abhor teased hair. I also must remind you that I have no television, no infomercials and no newspapers. This leaves me, as a result walking around pretty much clueless about life. "Balloon boy? What? Car bomb in Afghanistan? Huh?" I have chosen to walk around with my fingers in my ears singing loudly...."LALALALALA LALALALA".

So imagine my surprise when my dear friend Kiki found these at a check out line in Winco.Am I the last person on the earth to hear of these? Flat to fabulous in seconds? I thought I needed to stuff my bra for that?Helpful hints include things like:
*Do not stick these up your ass.

and

*Styling your hair this way may result in screwing a man you do not know.

Seriously.....WTF? I thought the phrase Leave-In Inserts only applied to items like butt-plugs and tampons.

So of course, my Bumpits are a completely coveted item now. I thought I would share with you a picture of me Bumpitting.

I may be grinding it when I look THIS hot....

PET PEEVE #89

Dear women,

I feel I must inform you of a huge mistake that you are making. Maybe you don't know. Maybe you just don't care....but I feel compelled to tell you: This bouffant-ponytail shit has got to go. The freshly f*cked look is really getting on my nerves. I spend half my morning to make sure I don't look freshly f*cked before I walk out the door and you women spend half the morning with hair spray and combs and shit to make sure you look like you are. WTF?

Granted, I'm not the expert in hairstyles. I have spent the past five years of my meager existence being bored to tears with my hair and doing anything to it to just give me a little thrill.When long I have had it cornrowed....

I have kinked the crap out of it.....

I've shaved my head bald......Now I'm toying with blonde....

I completely understand dear women, if you don't take my advice. I mean, I am quite a whack-job when it comes to hair. But I did see a picture of Angelina Jolie in this bouffant pony-tail crap, and even on Angelina...Hello?....Angelina effing Jolie, she looks like a crack horror needing a fix. So if Angelina can't pull it off, think twice my lovely ladies. You are better off without it.

Your trusty goddess of style,

-tallulah