NO, I'M NOT DONE WITH WALMART YET

What is this?

Still confused? Let me show you one more time.........
Another beautiful thing I found at Walmart the other day.....

Pads for thongs.

Really?

When I'm bleeding like a slaughtered cow, the first thing I do is grab my thong and wish I had a pad to go right up my ass along with my thong.

The world is going to hell in a hand basket I tell you.

WHEN THE PLANETS ARE NOT ALIGNED

Have you ever bought something at the store and then when you got home and unpacked your groceries, you pull out this something and said....."What the fuck?"

Disclaimer:

#1 - If you are male and don't want to read, think or discuss lady parts....leave NOW!

#2 - If you are a size 14 or larger....I absolutely have no qualms with your size. I love you just the way you are.

I have a confession to make.

*breathe tallulah.......breathe*

I shopped at Walmart today. Yes, I am embarrassed to say so. I normally don't shop at Walmart for many, many reasons. Some reasons I do not shop there are political, some are due to the fact that I really don't enjoy watching women beat upon or yell at their children. Unfortunately nearly every time I have touched my foot on Walmart soil, this has occurred.

I went to Walmart to get air-soft bullets for my rotten children. They like shooting up anything they can aim at. Evil little monkey's. Anyway, while I was there, I needed feminine products. It happens.

When I got home and was in the bathroom doing my lady business, imagine my surprise when I looked a little closer at the package........

"Always 14+"

14 plus? What the hell is that? Do you have to be fourteen or older to use this product?

As I unwrapped the packaging, I shit you not.....if you were anywhere in the vicinity of Mayberry, you would have heard a blood-curdling scream. (*insert horror flick scream here*)

These pads were big enough to use as a blindfold and wrap around my head............twice.

Apparently Walmart sells feminine products to the well-endowed lady wallets. I have Never. In. My. Life. Imagined. Such. A. Horrid. Thing.

So now, until tomorrow, I must wear a plastic diaper in my underwear slightly larger than the size of Miami.

I hate Walmart.....

WHERE THE HELL IS CREEPY GUY?

Alright, enough already with Creepy Guy. I planned to keep that post up until he left me alone....however I've realized that if that were the case, you would be staring at him until 2015.

UPDATE:

Detective "Kiss my Ass" has informed me there is nothing they can do about his harassment that has been ongoing for 3 months now.. They don't have the time, resources or money to indulge in out-of-state shenanigans. Our telephone company knows who this creepy fucker is but won't give us a phone number without a subpoena. But they did give us a lovely little hint: the asshole lives in Texas. (Maybe Candice or Jenn can do some detective work for me? ha ha)

So while I live in fear daily that some dickwad is going to show up at my house and hack me and my children in to tiny pieces, I thought I would show you a lovely photo.......

This is what has been taking up all of my time lately. My new soap-making venture! You can check me out at : www.tallulahssoaps.com.

DEAR CREEPY GUY

You are pathetic.

I know you think you are so awesome for hanging out in teen chat rooms waiting for someone to post a phone number to a friend. I know that's how you got a cell phone number of ours. Yes, my kids are stupid for doing that but you? You suck balls.

After our two brief conversations we had over a month ago, I thought I made it quite clear that:

A. I'm not as sexy as I sound.

and

B. Your calls were not welcome and to not call again.

Well creepy guy, how handy that you are savvy with a computer. You have already researched our cell phone number because you now have our home phone number. You have our names and have probably google-mapped our house. It's a nice house isn't it? Fucker.

Calling me twice a day every day for over a month just annoys me. And Creepy Guy? You don't know me. I, unlike other females do not get scared or intimidated by assholes. You are what you are and it just pisses me off.

Pissing tallulah off is just a bad idea. Ask Bubby.

FAMILY MEMBERS

You know, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've been trying to figure out how to simplify my life so that I can make room for other endeavors (like soap making).

I've come up with a few ideas....

A. Less goofing around and more working. aka: less bon-bons and Oprah watching

B. Start with one room and organize the shit out of it. If it makes me feel good, do the other rooms too and before long, my life will be simplified.

C. Get a puppy.

I welcome Bella.

Bubby would like you to know to not even think that she is named after that creepy, pale, unhappy and skinny vampire-loving ho in Twilight. In fact, he has gone as far to correctly pronounce Bella like the Italians do (Bay-la).

I guess the hell with simplifying my life. Excuse me now....I think Bella just peed on the rug.

I'M TAMING THE HEDONIST

Meet Tofu, the Living Zombie. He's not so bad is he? Kinda cute if you ask me. Vegans are sexy right....RIGHT?
If you are not familiar with Vegans and what they eat, let me take a moment to share with you what they don't eat:

*Meat (or anything that has meat products or broth or is made from a derivative of an animal)

*Dairy (this includes any milk coming from an animal, butter, sour cream, cheese...you get the picture)

*Eggs (they come from an animal dumb shit)

If you know me at all, you understand my love of food. It is apparent on my Facebook page because I have more pictures of food in my albums than I do of my own children. Mouthgasms are my only goal on a daily basis.

But after reading the book, "Eat to Live" by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, I thought I would try his eating lifestyle for 6 weeks. Six weeks is a piece of egg-less, frosting-less, cake. I can do this! Dr. Fuhrman is not some "save the whales freak" or animal rights activist, he's a doctor who believes that what Americans eat is killing us and has study after study to back up his findings.

Just finishing week one. Looking good, feeling strong. Working out.

I have a feeling by week 5 though, I may be looking like the Zombie pictured above (with a hotter body of course.)

TALLULAH WHO?

I'm so out of it. We got this new big-ass computer for Christmas. It's the new Mac with the screen as big as a living room. Very cool, but I am used to a PC. Change my life and I have about a three year learning curve. It took me three days just to find Way Down In Mayberry. Yeh...I'm stoopid.

I'll be up and running as soon as I figure out how to post pictures. If you are lucky, maybe I'll post some nude ones too. Heh heh.

DON'T BLINK, OR YOU MIGHT MISS THE TRAIN

When I was young, occasionally during the Christmas holiday we would make a gingerbread house. Back in those days (god, I'm old), they didn't have the gingerbread kits like they do now. You would take the time to bake the cookies and then assemble the house.

I wouldn't have considered eating it. I mean, what's the point? If you want to eat the damn thing, just bake a bunch of cookies and decorate them, or for that matter.....just eat the fricking dough.

In our family, it is a tradition every year to buy one of those goofy kits. I still can't assemble them worth a shit. The roof always ends up sagging and Bubby has to fix it.

This year, we purchased a train.

When the kids finished, it pretty much looked like the picture. They did a great job.

But 5 minutes after it was finished, Izzy started asking, "So when can we eat it?" This continued for 24 hours. The kid was driving me insane! Then Christian would walk in the room and randomly blurt out, "Hey! When are we eating the train?" Occasionally, I would see Leroy eyeing a candy and then 5 minutes later it would be missing. Tori started asking too and I told them all to cool it! Couldn't we just have some fanfuckingtastic holiday cheer?

Then, while I was cooking....I heard Bubby say:

"Hey Izzy! Could you go tear me off a piece of that gingerbread train? Papa wants some cookies with his coffee."

Little bastards.

CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

It's cold Way Down in Mayberry.

Freeze my tits (what little there are) off cold.

Highs have been around 16 degrees while lows are in the negatives. These kind of temperatures can make people do some weird shit. People tend to be very grumpy and all they talk about is how fucking cold it is outside. I get it.

When the kids get home from school after walking the whole block and 1/2, all they want are hot chocolate and to gather around the fireplace. Leroy especially likes to claim his spot and spend the next 5.2 hours before bedtime reading one of several books he is currently engrossed in.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in the room and saw this:
What? Can't see this very well? Let me lighten it up a tad for you.

Ahhhh....now that's better.

I finally understand the term, "I'm freezing my balls off here!"

Nothing like a little heat on the ol' nut sack to put you in a festive mood.

BUBBY STRIKES AGAIN

The lovely thing about being married to a writer, is the criticism that can occur when you use words incorrectly on your blog. Take for instance an email that I received from Bubby last week.....

"Thought you might appreciate me mentioning that you keep using then/than wrong on your blog so you can stop. At first, I thought it was a typo or a spellchecker making bad assumptions. But since you keep using it, I figure that it's really just you.
Anyway, you will type something like,
"I'd rather fight then switch."
It should be,
"I'd rather fight than switch."
Then is refers to a sequence in time. Than makes a comparison.
It's your business, either way. But, you were quoting me when you used on your current blog. I don't misuse those words.
Hate me if you will,
Love, Bubby"

Isn't that sweet? Bubby's always looking out for my best interests. I might have to invest in a Strunk & White's Elements of Style THAN to look like a stupid-ass on my blog again.

Thanks Bubby!

BUBBYISM QUOTE #5

I haven't posted a "Bubbyism" for awhile.

Yesterday we were driving past Cabella's and had to stop as all of the people were pouring out of the store and crossing the street.

"I would be more embarrassed being seen walking out of Cabella's then a pornography store."

That's my man!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS....

There are a couple of really interesting things that come along with Leroy's Asperger's:





1. EXTREME sensitivity to smell and food textures. (Put peanut butter near his nose and watch him immediately throw up)





2. CAN'T sleep. (Put him to bed at 8pm, watch him fall asleep around 1am)





As a result, we had a super skinny kid who didn't sleep. This summer, I was embarrassed to take him to the pool because you could see his ribs. Leroy looked malnourished and tired.





Then we found the wonder drug! **I'm not going to mention the name here because all drugs work differently on different people.** This drug was originally one of the older medications for depression. Doctor's stopped using it for depression because it made people tired and fat. And really, if you are depressed.....the last thing you want to do is gain 50 pounds and be tired all the time. Now that's really depressing!





Leroy started the drug in September. The kid can sleep now. That makes such a huge difference in his ability to concentrate at school and enjoy his life.





Leroy also eats now. He still has the sensitivities to certain smells and foods, but he has expanded his repertoire of food. He thinks about food a lot! His teacher actually pulled me aside one day to ask me what Leroy's fascination was with Thanksgiving. She said that for the past month, all he has talked about in class was turkey and pies.





Leroy on the scale yesterday weighed 9 pounds heavier than he did a couple of months ago. I can now take him to the pool without shame.





And now on to Leroy's Christmas list (with pictures even). I think you will enjoy it. I crossed out his name because his name is not really Leroy. I mean, who names their kid Leroy for Christ's sake?

The kid wants S'mores for Christmas! Really?

So under the tree there will be a box full of graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate. (I think lighter and wood won't be included)

MY BOOBS ARE A LITTLE BIT BIGGER BUT I'LL GLADLY TRADE THEM IN

My whole life I've been skinny.

My. Whole. Life.

Then I hit forty. I have no idea what brick wall I ran in to but the eating whatever the fuck I want and not exercising AT ALL days are over.

I started running and cutting back on food consumption. Both are tough because:

A. I'm lazy.

B. As you all well know, I love food more than my husband.

I think I've been doing pretty well. I run 2 miles a day, 5 days a week. I refrain from indulgence.

When I exercises though, I have to have LOUD, kick-ass music or I can't run. I need constant up-beat music blaring through my ears which I'm sure will cause early deafness. At least I'll be skinny....right?

Anyway, here's my latest music love for working out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxUbaRk34RE

My questions for all of my fellow bloggers out there is what is your favorite music for working out? I need to expand my ipod selections...... HELP!

I'm counting on you. I can't look like Fergie without a little help from my friends (and maybe a boob job).

EARLY CHRISTMAS

I've been all bah humbuggy already this year. Just a few days after Thanksgiving and I'm dreaming of Easter. I didn't always used to be this way. I think I'm jaded.



All of this changed yesterday. All of it......



Let me preface this post by cluing you in on "mo-jo". My dear friend Kiki and I are always trying to please the gods for positive mo-jo. We do this by giving money to sweet little children that want money for various organizations that come to our door. I never have a problem giving money to the hot young highschool boys that are selling things for football camp (I'm such a Mrs. Robinson), it's the little kids that I have a hard time saying yes to. Kiki and I have both suffered serious consequences when being stingy with our dough. The last time I refused to fork out the cash for a sweet little Chinese-American girl in a girl scout outfit, nearly every appliance in my house was broken within 24 hours. I shit you not.



Yesterday I had the pleasure of having a little girl (about 8) come to my door with lemon-poppy seed cakes. This is what she said to me....*very slowly with correct pronunciation*

"Hello. My name is Sally. I'm selling lemon-poppy seed cakes today. I am raising money so that I can continue my piano and viola lessons. Would you like a sample?"

*Opens up container inside of basket and hands me a sample*

Me: "Oh! How much are they?"

Sally: "The cakes are one for $5, two for $10, three for $15 or four for $20."

Me : "Hold on, I will go get my money."

Me: "Do you live around here?"

Sally: "No. I live in Trent." *Not it's real town name. But I must say....it's at least an hour's drive away. Here in the Northwest, that means she lives in the mountains in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.*

Me: "Wow! You traveled a long way. I play piano too. It's a lot of fun!"

Sally: "Maybe I can play for you sometime!"

Me: "I would love that! Have a great day."

And off she trudged down my steps, basket in hand with pants on two sizes too big......

I then waited five minutes and then called up Kiki. I wanted to see if she bought some bread. We both need some major mo-jo these days. It ends up Kiki didn't buy any bread, but gave her money anyway.

Fast forward six hours later. It's dark and cold and about 8:00 in the evening. Our doorbell rings and here is Sally with her older sister Susan (about 10) and little brother Will (maybe 6). They had spent all day roaming our neighborhood earning money for all of their lessons. They also said they pay for their instruments too.

Sweet little Sally came by to play for me. And she did. Beautifully.

Then Susan asked if she could play too. Amazing!

Their Mom says that her husband travels the hour long commute (with lots of snow in the winter) every day to the Metropolis for work. She stays home with the kids and home-schools them and twice a week they come to the Metropolis for lessons. They finish up about 7pm, two nights a week because they play in honor orchestra at a local school.

They came to play for our family. They came out of the goodness of their sweet little hearts to put on a mini-concert and share their love of music and their appreciation for us buying the cakes they made.

With all of the commercialism and crap that Christmas brings every year, I received a Christmas gift that won't be forgotten for many years to come.

A little girl and her determination for all that is good in the world.......

PRO POLYGAMY

Hell yes!

But before you get your knickers in a twist and think that I am going all Big Love/Mormon cult on you, let me give you the top five reasons that I believe in polygamy (and polyandry too!)

1. Freely consenting, adult, non-abusive, marriage committed people should have the right to marry more than one person if they choose to do so. Okay, I admit....the woman pictured above clearly married a bunch of gay men.

2. With the divorce rate so high, plural marriage may just keep those divorce numbers down. Jim Bob isn't looking for another woman when he has three at home to keep sexually busy.

3. Company and a clean house. Haven't you ever wanted a friend to hang out with you all day and clean out the pantry or organize the linens? You would have a built in woman who helped you keep the house clean, take care of children and run errands. And if you had multiple husbands, the lawn would always be mowed, the garage cleaned and very little on your honey-do list. Not to mention the HUGE increase in your bank funds with several men going to the office every day and bringing home big, fat paychecks.

4. Sex. It sure would be nice to count on certain days of the week for sex with your man. Every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday while the other wives had different days? Totally. Every night? Fugettaboutit. If you had multiple husbands, you may have to purchase extra slip-n-slide....unless of course they are gay.

5. The dating scene would completely change. No more settling for less. No more getting discouraged because all of the good guys/girls are living together or married. You wouldn't have to speed date or dweeb date.

Of course there are factors that could potentially be harmful to the polygamy/polyandry movement. Mainly jealousy. Men and women would have to be completely comfortable sharing their spouse.

Could you do it?

MALE CHASTITY

I was browsing Google the other day searching for something as innocuous as soap molds and looky what I found!

Am I the last person on earth to find out about locking up penis's? Where have I been?

Danielle Egan writes:

"Now you might be picturing leather-clad dungeon-dwellers with rubbers balls in their mouths, but belters walk among us as boss, accountant and airline pilot. In fact, frequent-flying belters inspired revolutionary design changes after suffering the embarrassment of setting off airport security metal detectors. Traditionally, men suffered steel cage-like contraptions invented circa 1850 to prevent the “imbecility” of “self-pollution.” Secured by bulky chains and brass padlocks, these Draconian-looking devices were heavy, caused pinching, chafing, swelling and all sorts of hygiene problems. So in the late 90s, Frank and Dorris Miller dreamed up the CB-2000 line of belt-free ventilated polyurethane “tubes” secured by “cuff ring” and plastic lock. Now in this post-911 high-security era, the Nevada-based company makes 70 percent of the belts on the market, cranking out “tens of thousands of tubes and business is on the incline.”

I clearly need to get out more.

After researching different sites that are proponents of male chastity belts I have learned a couple of things that I know you are dying to hear about........

1. Men that are in to woman dominatrix clearly like these little contraptions. They like being locked up and their woman only holding the key to their happiness.

2. Male chastity is HUGE in the religious community. Cock control is obviously some how intertwined in the Jesus lovers of the world. Women use it to keep their husbands from cheating and *SHOCK* masturbation. It's hard for those men to sin and surf porn sites if they can't even tweedle their dum.

3. Apparently men that aren't masturbating (or having intercourse) every 24-72 hours get really focused on pleasing their wives. They spend more time doing dishes and cleaning the house. They figure if they please their wives outside of the bedroom, maybe their wives will release "little willy" to play.

I wonder if any guys have ended up in the emergency room because their wives flushed the keys down the toilet in a fit of rage? heh heh

SUNDAY (but not) DINNER #7

It's not Sunday....but I thought I would share this dish with you anyway. This is an easy week-night dish because prep is minimal. I am using fresh raviolis that you can buy at your local supermarket or specialty food store.


BUTTERNUT SQUASH RAVIOLI WITH BROWN SUGAR PINE NUT SAGE BUTTER

2 lbs fresh butternut squash raviolis

1 cup pine nuts
4 TBS butter, cut in to large pieces
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp salt
cracked black pepper
2 TBS fresh sage, chiffonade
4 TBS cream or 1/2 and 1/2

Parmesan

1. Put water on to boil.

2. Meanwhile, in large saucepan....toast pine nuts over medium heat. Reduce heat to low and add butter, brown sugar, salt, pepper, and sage. Whisk in cream right before serving.

3. Cook pasta for about 5 minutes. Careful to avoid boiling vigorously or the raviolis may tear.

4. Drain pasta and spoon sauce over top. Sprinkle with Parmesan.

HALLOWEEN

Halloween was low-key this year. I didn't dress up. I didn't decorate the outside of the house. I for the first time in my life, was not in to Halloween. Maybe this is a sign from the gods that I'm getting old.

If I haven't mentioned it before, people come in droves to trick-or-treat Way Down In Mayberry. They bus the kids in for christs sake! But there was a new thing that I witnessed this year in the trick-or-treating venue that I have not been familiar with before. ADULTS TRICK OR TREATING! These were not the grown-ups that dressed up along with their kids for a night out of fun.... These were adults that dressed up and went door to door with a little plastic pumpkin in hand. In fact, one adult looked very similar to the man below.

The only difference is the guy that was in my neighborhood was about 40, bald and skipped the t-shirt. The man dressed up like a baby and asked the neighbors for candy! Was he high?

sigh............

So I shall share some photographs of the evening:

Scary enough for you?

IF YOU BUMP IT....YOU WILL GRIND IT

The lovely thing about friends is that they always have the perfect gift for you. Your friends know you so well that they could be walking through a store one day and see something and BAM! They HAVE to get it for their friend because it is the most perfect gift in the whole entire universe!

If you remember from this post.....I abhor teased hair. I also must remind you that I have no television, no infomercials and no newspapers. This leaves me, as a result walking around pretty much clueless about life. "Balloon boy? What? Car bomb in Afghanistan? Huh?" I have chosen to walk around with my fingers in my ears singing loudly...."LALALALALA LALALALA".

So imagine my surprise when my dear friend Kiki found these at a check out line in Winco.Am I the last person on the earth to hear of these? Flat to fabulous in seconds? I thought I needed to stuff my bra for that?Helpful hints include things like:
*Do not stick these up your ass.

and

*Styling your hair this way may result in screwing a man you do not know.

Seriously.....WTF? I thought the phrase Leave-In Inserts only applied to items like butt-plugs and tampons.

So of course, my Bumpits are a completely coveted item now. I thought I would share with you a picture of me Bumpitting.

I may be grinding it when I look THIS hot....

SUNDAY DINNER #6

This recipe is my new best Autumn recipe. It is soooo easy and absolutely delicious (however not so low on calories).

PUMPKIN GRATIN

Small pumpkin pie pumpkins

Crusty Bread

Cheeses (like Gruyere, Swiss and Fontina)

1/2 and 1/2

Chicken stock

1. Scoop out seeds of pumpkin.

2. Layer crusty bread and cheese inside pumpkin.

3. Fill pumpkin with 1/3 chicken stock and the other 2/3rds with 1/2 and 1/2.

4. Brush outside of pumpkin with oil and replace top.

5. Bake at 300 degrees for 2 hours.

6. Scoop out gratin/cooked pumpkin and get ready for your world to be rocked!