DON'T BLINK, OR YOU MIGHT MISS THE TRAIN

When I was young, occasionally during the Christmas holiday we would make a gingerbread house. Back in those days (god, I'm old), they didn't have the gingerbread kits like they do now. You would take the time to bake the cookies and then assemble the house.

I wouldn't have considered eating it. I mean, what's the point? If you want to eat the damn thing, just bake a bunch of cookies and decorate them, or for that matter.....just eat the fricking dough.

In our family, it is a tradition every year to buy one of those goofy kits. I still can't assemble them worth a shit. The roof always ends up sagging and Bubby has to fix it.

This year, we purchased a train.

When the kids finished, it pretty much looked like the picture. They did a great job.

But 5 minutes after it was finished, Izzy started asking, "So when can we eat it?" This continued for 24 hours. The kid was driving me insane! Then Christian would walk in the room and randomly blurt out, "Hey! When are we eating the train?" Occasionally, I would see Leroy eyeing a candy and then 5 minutes later it would be missing. Tori started asking too and I told them all to cool it! Couldn't we just have some fanfuckingtastic holiday cheer?

Then, while I was cooking....I heard Bubby say:

"Hey Izzy! Could you go tear me off a piece of that gingerbread train? Papa wants some cookies with his coffee."

Little bastards.

YES, WE TORTURE OUR CHILDREN

Bubby is all into introducing the kids to every childhood T.V. memory he has ever had. We have watched the Original Star Trek series, The Munsters and all the Kung-Fu movies. We are currently viewing all of The Beverly Hillbillies. Whether the kids are into the shows or not, Bubby sits them down and we watch them as a family. We are so cruel with our nostalgia.


Now Bubby wants to start purchasing some series for our collection since we are ridding our household of cable and will only have three channels. There seems to be some dispute.


Last week we were at Barnes and Noble. Bubby picked up the boxed series of Get Smart. I told Bubby I was never in to the Get Smart series. I thought they were pretty lame and boring. I told him that not only would he be torturing the children with that series, but torturing me as well. I then told him that my favorite series as a kid was The Brady Bunch.

Bubby got this serious look on his face and then said:

"I wish you would have told me this when we were dating." Then he promptly turned on his heels and walked away from me. Right there in Barnes and Noble!

Could this have been a deal breaker? Maybe so................

But then last week I asked Bubby to load a bunch of Christmas music on my Ipod for me. Guess what he surprised me with?

He loves me. He really loves me.

A LESSON FROM AN ANONYMOUS PERSON

The year of 2008 has been one of the worst years on record for my family, extended family and friends. Most details I can't publish for all, but it has been a generally sucky year. It makes me want to partake in many a martini. Bubby bought these new martini glasses to help us along on our drinking binge. (chocolate milk for the kids in two of them) This year basically translates in to a huge Ba-Humbug effect for me. We aren't putting up lights this year and in fact....I decided that we wouldn't have a Christmas tree as well.

But then, some blessed soul literally left a tree on my doorstep in a pan of water. Someone who in their own struggles, stepped outside of their own personal pain to brighten the lives of someone else and her children (who were begging for a tree).

So now I have had a change of heart and will count all my blessings and continue with the Christmas traditions that my children look forward to and love. .......

A gingerbread house that Bubby and the kids made - complete with Star Wars action figures.
(the next day he let them deconstruct it and eat it for lunch)

Christmas cookies decorated....complete with pigs and cactus.

Breakfast with Santa Claus and a glimpse of beautifully decorated Christmas trees.

When I see the complete joy on their faces, I am so grateful.

HOLIDAY CHEER

I'm one of those Mom's who loves all of those corny Christmas performances. I look forward to seeing all of the children's innocent faces singing Christmas carols at the tops of their lungs. I take time to reflect on when I was a child and how fun it was to sing and dance and still believe in Santa.

Izzy was a Bunny Rabbit in the play "The Christmas Quilt"

I realize that everyone does not share my enthusiasm for Christmas concerts. This became quite clear when I attended Tori's Orchestra concert. Most people cringe at the thought of a bunch of violins screeching to "Little Drummer Boy".

Right before the concert, Izzy announced he had to go potty NOW! We scurried to the nearest bathroom, but it was being used for all of the girls primping before their performance. I then explained to Izzy that we had to go to the other bathroom down the hall. Most of the Elementary students were still in class so I reminded Izzy that we had to use our "hushed school voices" so as to not bother the students.

We reached the restroom and inside the door there were six stalls. A girl of about 14 was standing in the middle of the bathroom and it was obvious she was waiting for someone in the stall. The person turned out to be her Mother and at first, I thought her Mom was talking to her through the door. After Izzy went in to a stall and asked for "privacy please", I stood outside of his door and realized that the Mom was not talking to her daughter but was on the cell phone. Here is what I heard as I stood waiting for Izzy.........

"I can't help you find Johnny right now. I'm at a fucking concert for Frieda. Yeah, yeah I know...stupid. Where the hell could Johnny have gone? He didn't even have a fucking coat on. That little shit is always taking

UGGHHHEEEHHHHH

EEHHHEUUGGGGGHHH

Goddammit! I've got to take a huge shit.

UGHEEEHHHUUUGGGHHH

As soon as this concert is over, I'll go over and help you find Johnny. The last time didn't the neighbors call the police? That's just what you need right now, fucking Social Services involved again."

This entire time, I am just standing there with my laser eyes staring at this girl. I am trying to will her to run as fast as she can to anywhere but where her loser Mother is taking a shit while talking on the phone to her loser friend. I try to mind meld with her and say, "Run like Johnny. Run like the wind. Stay here and you will end up just like her." It didn't work of course, and I now wonder if the girl was even embarrassed.

Izzy called me to help him pull up his pants. As I went in to the stall, I heard the toilet flush and hoped that I would get to steal a glance of this woman as she was washing her hands. Damn if she didn't wash her hands and left before I could see her!

As we were walking back to the concert, this conversation ensued:

Izzy: "Mom! That woman was saying bad words!"

Me: "I know honey. Not everyone makes the right choices."

Izzy: "She was saying bad words about Christmas too. She doesn't believe in Santa does she? I bet you she is on Santa's naughty list."

Me: "I bet you are right."

Izzy: "Why was she talking to her girl that way?"

Me: "She wasn't. She was talking on the cell phone while she was going potty."

LONG PAUSE..........

Izzy: "That's just wrong Mom."

Amen brother. Amen.

THE CHRISTMAS TORTURE

Bubby drives me crazy with the baby monitors. We have three different levels in our house and kids sleeping on all three levels. Bubby turns up the monitors loud enough at night that I can hear every snort, breath, snore, rustling of covers and cough.

My take on the whole baby monitor thing is unless the child is on fire, I really don't want to hear the monitor. If you have it turned down very low, and a child screams....you will hear it eventually.....won't you?

So about every early morning, say 3am, I am waking Bubby up. "Could you turn down the monitors please?" I have even taken to sneaking over to his side of the bed and trying to turn them down. Unsuccessfully of course.

On Christmas Eve, we told the kids they could all sleep in the basement. This would allow them to camp out in the family room and discuss Christmas until the wee hours of the morning and it would also allow Santa to successfully come down the chimney and deliver presents without waking a child. Bubby gave the children strict instructions...."DO NOT come upstairs in the morning until we come and get you. We can hear you when you wake up and then we will shout downstairs when it is okay to come up the stairs."

The next thing I know, Bubby is waking me up at 8:30 am.....hours after the children would wake up to see that Santa had come. "Hey!" Bubby says. "The kids are really sleeping in. They are not up yet." I rub my eyes and ask, "Is the monitor on?" "OH. MY. GOD. I forgot to turn on the monitor!" said Bubby.

And in that 30 seconds of complete silence, I hoped that when Bubby turned on the monitor we would just hear the quiet snores of our children.

(hearing screams at top of lungs)
"WHAAAAAAAH!"
"IT'S BEEN LIGHT FOR HOURS."
"SANTA DIDN'T COME!"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Oh. If you could only hear the crying, screaming and sobs coming from the basement. The children had probably been awake for at least 2 hours. I'm sure they thought Santa had kidnapped their parents or left them for dead.

Bubby must have them trained well because not once in their hours of strife, did they come up those stairs.

Do I feel a little bad? Maybe, just a little. But now that I am laughing about it, I'm going to be dreaming up what kind of senseless torture I can invoke on them next Christmas. (insert evil cackle here.)

THE THINGS WE DO FOR OUR KIDS

Every year, Way Down In Mayberry, Santa visits our community barn. There's food and festivities and Santa brings all the children presents.

How does it work? Parents buy each child attending a gift between 10-15 dollars. They wrap the gift and drop it off at the coordinator's house. This year, you had until midnight prior to the day of the party to drop off the gifts. The coordinator is very strict about this rule because she has had so many late drop-offs the day of the party. So after blowing 60 bucks at Target for the presents, I stuck them in the office and did what other people sometimes do.....fugettaboutit.

Time: 3 AM Day: The Christmas Party

I woke up from a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that I went to the Christmas party with the kids and Santa had no toys for them. They cried and cried.

When I awoke drenched in sweat, I realized that I hadn't dropped off the presents...and they weren't even wrapped. So I did what any semi-sane Mother would do...I wrapped the gifts at 3am and trudged over on ice and snow in the FREEZING weather to drop off the gifts. Hoping and praying that the coordinator would still accept them.

Here is Leroy. Poor little bugger. He waited and waited for Santa to bring him a present. He was sitting all alone and whispered to me..."Santa forgot me Mommy."

But all of my rabid wrapping and bracing below freezing temperatures paid off. Could you have a happier kid?
*Note: The present was a "Doodle Monster". If your child has been asking for one, I recommend it. Leroy hasn't put it down (except to go to school) since he received the gift.