Tuesday, August 04, 2009


How about just swing in Mayberry instead?

Rumor has it (for years in fact), that our quaint little town of Mayberry has quite the underground "swinging" scene.

Conversations meeting new people outside of Mayberry (in our Metropolis) go something like this:

Sarah: "Hi. It's nice to meet you. What part of the city do you live in?"

Me: "Oh. I live outside of the city in Mayberry."

Sarah: with sudden wide-eyed interest "You live in Mayberry?"

Me: "Yes."

Sarah: "Is it true what they say about there being a lot of swingers?"

Me: "Um....well....uh, I don't know. I mean I've heard rumors, but I really don't know."

I really wanted to get to the bottom of this "swinging" thing. I mean, nobody says, "Hey, I heard you have a beautiful organic farm out there" or "Wow! Don't you guys have miles and miles of open space and foothills and lovely hiking trails?"

No. It's all about the sex baby!

Granted, I have had some invitations or hints from men about hanky-panky but I don't know if those invites involved their wives. I have also seen things at parties, that well, should be left right there at the party. At best, some things I have witnessed have been very entertaining. But to tell you the truth....I didn't know if our quaint little paradise was on the down-low.

Rumors I have heard:

1. Couples get together at a house for a party and drop their keys in a bowl. Whoever's keys they pick out of the bowl at the end of the night.....that's who they go home with. If I ended up at a party like that I would drag my best friend and her husband along and say, "OK. Remember, MY keys are the Smurf ones that light up when you shake them. Just shake the bowl before you grab the keys and you will see them light up! Oh my God! I do not want to go home with freaky Cora or her creepy husband Fred. You HAVE to grab my keys! DO YOU HEAR ME? If you don't grab my keys, I'm going to have to fake an appendicitis or something!"

2. If you put a pineapple in your grocery cart at a certain "Joe's grocery store" down the hill, you are letting other produce-buying people from Mayberry know that you are open to a "swinging suggestion."
I often have a pineapple in my cart at this grocery store. To date, I have never been approached. However, I may not be this couple's type.

3. If you put a pineapple on your doorstep, you are letting other couples know in the neighborhood that you are a "swinging house." I'll be damned! I often walk the neighborhood and have never seen a pineapple on any one's doorstep.

Like I said, these are just rumors. Not to mention all of the ones spreading locally around here about so-n-so being approached by couples or certain houses known for some late night chicka-chicka-wow-wow.

I decided to do a little investigating myself. My purpose is not to "out" anyone. I personally could care less what you do in the privacy of your own home whether it be gay, straight, kinky or wild. I'll take bi-curious-couple-loving neighbors over burglars, rapists, pedophiles and druggies any day of the week!


I did my research. First I did a lot of google searches. Come to find out that if you live in another state and are looking to move to Mayberry, people have a lot of advice whether you should move here. Swinging is almost always mentioned. Weird, huh? I mean these are real estate pages. People want to know about schools or amenities like pools and parks and they end up hearing about married couples sex lives. Strange.

Next....I did the unthinkable. I joined several free websites involving Swingers in my state. What did I find out?

Drum roll please.......

Two things:

1. When you join sex websites, your junk mail folder goes from three or four advertisements a day to twenty+ a day. I now get advertisement headlines like..."Lonely Housewife?" and "We are Naughty Neighbors." Great.

2. Let me just say that my tiny little community is alive and vibrant with alternative ideas about marriage. Don't worry all you swingers out there. I saw your pics. Big deal. I'm not here to "out" you. Might I say that some of you are very creative!

The next time someone says, "You're from Mayberry? Wow! I heard a rumor that there's a lot of swingers out there?" I can definitely say with confidence..."Yup." And then I will describe what a great place it is to raise children and about our abundant wildlife (heh heh, not our abundant wild life), our lovely school, our historic farmhouse, our Mercantile and our awesome library.

Those are the things that everyone wants to hear about, right?


Jodi said...

Well, I could have saved you a lot of time. While I was working for the Private Investigator, I spent some time "glassing" a certain house for a client.

But, I'm sure the research was most of the fun!

How come I've never been "approached"?????

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Hey Tallulah we've heard that ever since we moved into our Stepfordville....as my hubby and I refer to it.

Even heard them talking on a morning drive show about this town that will remain nameless but rhymes with XYZ. It was our little enclave all right.

Apparently around here if you have a big white rock in your yard you're a willing swinger....so my hubby and I drove around looking for rocks...we sure as hell were curioius. Not one to be found.

It all is funny to me. Whatever floats your boat is what I say. But it is amusing when you tell someone you are from here and the looks and comments you receive.

Hmmmm.....my picture of Mayberry has changed. :-)

Sheri said...

I always wondered why Jodi picked there to live! LOL

Jennboree said...

I do love pineapple...

Carlos said...

FTW! Pineapples are not sexy... but swinging neighbors are...

tallulah said...

Jodi-Yes, the research was the most fun! ehem.....
Peggy-White rock? Those are pretty abundant here. Maybe they switched from pineapple and I'm not "in the know!"
Sheri-Jodi does seem to have that reputation here in Mayberry.
Jennboree-How did I know that about you?
Carlos-Where's your imagination? Pineapple can be very sexy.

kate said...

This whole swingers thing actually makes me love Mayberry even more. Not because I would ever participate, but it's good to know that even "Pleasantville" (as my nephew and I call it) has its dirty little secrets.

It's all very "Mad Men"; they even had a show about key parties, which have been around since the swingin' 60s, baby! Meow!

kate said...

And also? Could you guys not talk about my sister jodi's sex life? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

Oooh, man. Can you even imagine Elmer walking into that house??

Candice said...

So basically swingers are into pineapples, huh?

tallulah said...

Candice-Yes. Very sexy fruit.

Anonymous said...

We save time and just say "yeah, we moved to The Swings a while ago." That way you can get straight to the laughing. Plus I think the implications in the various names by which our 'hood is known are far better than what "Little OC" (Eagle) implies. In the former you're just a type A couple who enjoys a little adult experimentation, in the latter you are an insecure stick figure with humongous boobs and stripper hair. I've heard leaving the garage cracked could apparently also be a sign. I just thought it meant you had cats. --boisecommaidaho--

PJG said...

I've lived in HS for more than 10 years, from even before the beginning. And at one time knew everything about it, but the things we learn about our children... Oh my! I always said that I couldn't create community, just the infrastructure where a community could develop and grow. Well, sounds like we got some 'community' happening now... Do keep on telling...