EARTH TO TALLULAH

Yes. Yes, I am still here. I doubt anyone is even reading this blog anymore. It's become lame and inconsistent. Definitely not entertaining or funny by any means. I've been avoiding my emotions and as a result, avoiding this blog and all blogs I regularly read as well. Instead, I've been drowning my sorrow in daily crying jags...when no one is looking of course. Well now I can express my emotions to millions of people on the Internet. They say it's cathartic, right?

This was supposed to be a beautiful Spring filled with promise. Bubby and I adopting another child to add to our brood. But this past year has been a challenge with our children, especially Leroy. Anyone who has a child with high-functioning Autism can understand. Anyone who doesn't can't even begin to imagine...............

A short list:
Tori: Depression, ADHD, learning disabilities and mourning the loss of her biological Mom by taking it out on us daily.

Christian: Oppositional Defiance Disorder, ADHD, learning disabilities.

Leroy: Asperger's Syndrome, Depression and at times, off the chart anxiety and no impulse control.

Izzy: A child who would rather cut off his right arm than spend more than ten minutes away from his Mother.

I agree, it's a lot. We totally signed up for this and I'm not looking for pity. We knew that adopting children that had bio-Moms that drank, smoked crack, did Meth and basically ignored that they were even pregnant would possibly create special circumstances for our children. In addition, once these little people were born, I'm sure it didn't help that they were ignored, abused and then eventually taken away from their horrific situations way too late in the bureaucratic Welfare system. Bubby and I are rescuers. That's what we do.

But after having "the discussion" with Bubby on a date night two months ago, it has left me hollow and sad, angry and sad and then just a little more tearful anytime the word adoption comes up in conversation, print or thought.

I know the decision not to adopt another child is a decision warranted, but I feel as if I've lost a child. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a baby prematurely or to grieve about infertility and I don't pretend to. The closest thing I can compare it to (and it's a smack me in the face kind of feeling), is that there is a child literally in my city, in a foster home that could be ours to love and cherish for the rest of our lives. A child that like ours already, that has no place to call their own. A child with no family, a child that is lost and very much alone in the world. And unfortunately, foster children are America's throw-away children. Why would so many couples want white newborns or babies from another country?

I don't pretend to be the next Mia Farrow or Angelina Jolie. I know I can't save them all. I know I can only do my part. Maybe focusing on our children's issues and giving them the best life that I can without spreading the love too thin is all I can do.

But it doesn't feel like enough...............

DAWN OF A NEW YEAR

(Thanks to Blogger Beta....I have not been able to post for days, nor have any of my comments on fellow blogger sites been allowed to go through. I had some very lovely posts that disappeared. Too bad. My creative juices have really been flowing.)

I have some personal New Year's resolutions that I would like to share with you.

1. DRINK MORE WATER

I know. That sounds like a no-brainer. But I don't like water. I don't like the taste and unless I'm really really thirsty, I don't drink water. The only time I liked water was when I was pregnant and I craved it. If only I could get that feeling back. (the craving for water, NOT being pregnant thank you very much!)

2. CUT OUT MEAT FOR AT LEAST ONE YEAR

I have been Vegetarian for a good part of my life, but got lazy after kids. We will all be embarking on the "no meat for a year" resolution starting today. Oh my poor children! They are already hating me on this one.

3. EXERCISE MORE

That should be easy for me because I don't exercise AT ALL. Most people hate me for that because I should be obese. I have been lucky to have more of the "Olive Oil" genes rather than the "Miss Piggy" genes. But because of my lack of effort, as my body is aging, it won't bounce back as well. Not exorcising is not helping my asthma at all. And hey! Maybe if I exercise I will want to drink more water. You never know?

4. MOVE

This one is going to prove to be a challenge. Here are the main reasons we are moving OUT of Way Down In Mayberry.

a. We don't like the school. If you have been reading my blog for a while, you certainly have had my opinion inundated upon you about my disdain for the school. We wanted a neighborhood school for our kids. This apparently, is not it.

b. Our home is not practical. Don't get me wrong, our home is large and lovely and people even stop us in our front yard to tell us how much they love the looks of our home. It is a Frank Lloyd Wright style home and is very modern and contemporary. Unfortunately, because it is so modern, our 5 bedroom, 3 bath home has no laundry room (a small closet at the top of the stairs) . We park our cars outside of the garage because with only a two car garage, where are our children going to put bikes, ride on toys, ski boarding equipment etc.? Our home has no closets except in the bedrooms. Our home has no pantry. The basement is way too small. We want a basement where the kids can have a pool table and a great "hang-out" area for themselves and their friends as they approach their teen years. Both Bubby and I were blinded by the beauty of the home and failed to consider the practicality of four small children and no storage space.

c. We want to adopt another child. (see a. and b. for further explanation)

d. We have terrible allergies. Bubby, Izzy and myself have really bad allergies that are exacerbated by the sage that surrounds us Way Down In Mayberry. Poor Izzy is already on three different allergy medicines and he's only three. Our next home will have an air cleaning system and no carpets like our prior home did.

e. Our kids have a skewed idea about what is normal. Way Down In Mayberry is a wonderful "Mayberryish" town outside of the Metropolis, but it is fairly elitist. Unless you can afford million dollar homes, it's hard to afford Mayberry. My kids think it's normal to have motor-powered scooters and take vacations to Jamaica at Spring Break.

SO.....with that said, I will be doing my best to accomplish these personal resolutions. What are your resolutions for the New Year?

THE QUESTION THEY WILL ASK SOME DAY...

What did my parents look like?

Sadly, biological Mom kept saying she was going to bring in a picture to Social Services of herself and Leroy and Tori's biological Dad, but never did. When you are homeless and a drug addict, pictures to the adoptive family are probably not on the top of your list.

I also have NO photos of them before they were 2 1/2 and 5 1/2 years old. Can you imagine growing up and being an adult and not having any pictures of you as a baby?...being doted on, cooing as family members take turns holding you at Christmas, birthday celebrations with your face covered in cake.

This is one of the things I feel most badly about. I should have tried harder when Social Services was in contact with the biological family. If and when we adopt another child, I will do everything in my power to get some photographs of their former life.

The other day, I was looking online at the sheriff's reports. They show pictures of sex offenders that may live in your area as well people that have been arrested and criminals with outstanding warrants. I'm somewhat of a voyeur as well as a safety freak. I want to make sure that there are little to no criminals living Way Down In Mayberry. We live in an incredibly safe area. I want to keep it that way.

As I was scrolling through the pictures, one caught my eye and damn near knocked me off my chair. There, staring directly at me was Leroy. Oh sure, this person had long, dark black hair and was a woman and weighed about 250 lbs, but it was Leroy! When I double clicked on the picture, a larger picture came up and there was a warrant out for her arrest. And damn if the name didn't confirm that it was Leroy and Tori's biological Mom!

I sat there shaking for what seemed like hours although I suppose it was only for a few minutes.

I was very curious what Tori and Leroy's bio-mom looked like, and here she was....looking almost identical to Leroy. Had I have seen this woman on the street, I would have stopped and stared because the likeness in uncanny.

And although I don't necessarily believe in God, I DO believe that everything happens for a reason.

That day, I was meant to be on the sheriff's website. That day will change everything for two of my children as they get older and are curious about their bio-mom. I have a picture for them. A picture they can stare at and daydream about and compare how much their eyes or nose or skin tone looks like hers.

When they are adults, they can try and contact their bio-parents if they choose, and if not, they will always have the photograph.