EARTH TO TALLULAH

Yes. Yes, I am still here. I doubt anyone is even reading this blog anymore. It's become lame and inconsistent. Definitely not entertaining or funny by any means. I've been avoiding my emotions and as a result, avoiding this blog and all blogs I regularly read as well. Instead, I've been drowning my sorrow in daily crying jags...when no one is looking of course. Well now I can express my emotions to millions of people on the Internet. They say it's cathartic, right?

This was supposed to be a beautiful Spring filled with promise. Bubby and I adopting another child to add to our brood. But this past year has been a challenge with our children, especially Leroy. Anyone who has a child with high-functioning Autism can understand. Anyone who doesn't can't even begin to imagine...............

A short list:
Tori: Depression, ADHD, learning disabilities and mourning the loss of her biological Mom by taking it out on us daily.

Christian: Oppositional Defiance Disorder, ADHD, learning disabilities.

Leroy: Asperger's Syndrome, Depression and at times, off the chart anxiety and no impulse control.

Izzy: A child who would rather cut off his right arm than spend more than ten minutes away from his Mother.

I agree, it's a lot. We totally signed up for this and I'm not looking for pity. We knew that adopting children that had bio-Moms that drank, smoked crack, did Meth and basically ignored that they were even pregnant would possibly create special circumstances for our children. In addition, once these little people were born, I'm sure it didn't help that they were ignored, abused and then eventually taken away from their horrific situations way too late in the bureaucratic Welfare system. Bubby and I are rescuers. That's what we do.

But after having "the discussion" with Bubby on a date night two months ago, it has left me hollow and sad, angry and sad and then just a little more tearful anytime the word adoption comes up in conversation, print or thought.

I know the decision not to adopt another child is a decision warranted, but I feel as if I've lost a child. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a baby prematurely or to grieve about infertility and I don't pretend to. The closest thing I can compare it to (and it's a smack me in the face kind of feeling), is that there is a child literally in my city, in a foster home that could be ours to love and cherish for the rest of our lives. A child that like ours already, that has no place to call their own. A child with no family, a child that is lost and very much alone in the world. And unfortunately, foster children are America's throw-away children. Why would so many couples want white newborns or babies from another country?

I don't pretend to be the next Mia Farrow or Angelina Jolie. I know I can't save them all. I know I can only do my part. Maybe focusing on our children's issues and giving them the best life that I can without spreading the love too thin is all I can do.

But it doesn't feel like enough...............