WOULD YOU LIKE TO SWING ON A STAR?

How about just swing in Mayberry instead?

Rumor has it (for years in fact), that our quaint little town of Mayberry has quite the underground "swinging" scene.

Conversations meeting new people outside of Mayberry (in our Metropolis) go something like this:

Sarah: "Hi. It's nice to meet you. What part of the city do you live in?"

Me: "Oh. I live outside of the city in Mayberry."

Sarah: with sudden wide-eyed interest "You live in Mayberry?"

Me: "Yes."

Sarah: "Is it true what they say about there being a lot of swingers?"

Me: "Um....well....uh, I don't know. I mean I've heard rumors, but I really don't know."

I really wanted to get to the bottom of this "swinging" thing. I mean, nobody says, "Hey, I heard you have a beautiful organic farm out there" or "Wow! Don't you guys have miles and miles of open space and foothills and lovely hiking trails?"

No. It's all about the sex baby!

Granted, I have had some invitations or hints from men about hanky-panky but I don't know if those invites involved their wives. I have also seen things at parties, that well, should be left right there at the party. At best, some things I have witnessed have been very entertaining. But to tell you the truth....I didn't know if our quaint little paradise was on the down-low.

Rumors I have heard:

1. Couples get together at a house for a party and drop their keys in a bowl. Whoever's keys they pick out of the bowl at the end of the night.....that's who they go home with. If I ended up at a party like that I would drag my best friend and her husband along and say, "OK. Remember, MY keys are the Smurf ones that light up when you shake them. Just shake the bowl before you grab the keys and you will see them light up! Oh my God! I do not want to go home with freaky Cora or her creepy husband Fred. You HAVE to grab my keys! DO YOU HEAR ME? If you don't grab my keys, I'm going to have to fake an appendicitis or something!"

2. If you put a pineapple in your grocery cart at a certain "Joe's grocery store" down the hill, you are letting other produce-buying people from Mayberry know that you are open to a "swinging suggestion."

I often have a pineapple in my cart at this grocery store. To date, I have never been approached. However, I may not be this couple's type.

3. If you put a pineapple on your doorstep, you are letting other couples know in the neighborhood that you are a "swinging house." I'll be damned! I often walk the neighborhood and have never seen a pineapple on any one's doorstep.

Like I said, these are just rumors. Not to mention all of the ones spreading locally around here about so-n-so being approached by couples or certain houses known for some late night chicka-chicka-wow-wow.


I decided to do a little investigating myself. My purpose is not to "out" anyone. I personally could care less what you do in the privacy of your own home whether it be gay, straight, kinky or wild. I'll take bi-curious-couple-loving neighbors over burglars, rapists, pedophiles and druggies any day of the week!


So.....


I did my research. First I did a lot of google searches. Come to find out that if you live in another state and are looking to move to Mayberry, people have a lot of advice whether you should move here. Swinging is almost always mentioned. Weird, huh? I mean these are real estate pages. People want to know about schools or amenities like pools and parks and they end up hearing about married couples sex lives. Strange.


Next....I did the unthinkable. I joined several free websites involving Swingers in my state. What did I find out?


Drum roll please.......



Two things:

1. When you join sex websites, your junk mail folder goes from three or four advertisements a day to twenty+ a day. I now get advertisement headlines like..."Lonely Housewife?" and "We are Naughty Neighbors." Great.

2. Let me just say that my tiny little community is alive and vibrant with alternative ideas about marriage. Don't worry all you swingers out there. I saw your pics. Big deal. I'm not here to "out" you. Might I say that some of you are very creative!

The next time someone says, "You're from Mayberry? Wow! I heard a rumor that there's a lot of swingers out there?" I can definitely say with confidence..."Yup." And then I will describe what a great place it is to raise children and about our abundant wildlife (heh heh, not our abundant wild life), our lovely school, our historic farmhouse, our Mercantile and our awesome library.

Those are the things that everyone wants to hear about, right?

DAWN OF A NEW YEAR

(Thanks to Blogger Beta....I have not been able to post for days, nor have any of my comments on fellow blogger sites been allowed to go through. I had some very lovely posts that disappeared. Too bad. My creative juices have really been flowing.)

I have some personal New Year's resolutions that I would like to share with you.

1. DRINK MORE WATER

I know. That sounds like a no-brainer. But I don't like water. I don't like the taste and unless I'm really really thirsty, I don't drink water. The only time I liked water was when I was pregnant and I craved it. If only I could get that feeling back. (the craving for water, NOT being pregnant thank you very much!)

2. CUT OUT MEAT FOR AT LEAST ONE YEAR

I have been Vegetarian for a good part of my life, but got lazy after kids. We will all be embarking on the "no meat for a year" resolution starting today. Oh my poor children! They are already hating me on this one.

3. EXERCISE MORE

That should be easy for me because I don't exercise AT ALL. Most people hate me for that because I should be obese. I have been lucky to have more of the "Olive Oil" genes rather than the "Miss Piggy" genes. But because of my lack of effort, as my body is aging, it won't bounce back as well. Not exorcising is not helping my asthma at all. And hey! Maybe if I exercise I will want to drink more water. You never know?

4. MOVE

This one is going to prove to be a challenge. Here are the main reasons we are moving OUT of Way Down In Mayberry.

a. We don't like the school. If you have been reading my blog for a while, you certainly have had my opinion inundated upon you about my disdain for the school. We wanted a neighborhood school for our kids. This apparently, is not it.

b. Our home is not practical. Don't get me wrong, our home is large and lovely and people even stop us in our front yard to tell us how much they love the looks of our home. It is a Frank Lloyd Wright style home and is very modern and contemporary. Unfortunately, because it is so modern, our 5 bedroom, 3 bath home has no laundry room (a small closet at the top of the stairs) . We park our cars outside of the garage because with only a two car garage, where are our children going to put bikes, ride on toys, ski boarding equipment etc.? Our home has no closets except in the bedrooms. Our home has no pantry. The basement is way too small. We want a basement where the kids can have a pool table and a great "hang-out" area for themselves and their friends as they approach their teen years. Both Bubby and I were blinded by the beauty of the home and failed to consider the practicality of four small children and no storage space.

c. We want to adopt another child. (see a. and b. for further explanation)

d. We have terrible allergies. Bubby, Izzy and myself have really bad allergies that are exacerbated by the sage that surrounds us Way Down In Mayberry. Poor Izzy is already on three different allergy medicines and he's only three. Our next home will have an air cleaning system and no carpets like our prior home did.

e. Our kids have a skewed idea about what is normal. Way Down In Mayberry is a wonderful "Mayberryish" town outside of the Metropolis, but it is fairly elitist. Unless you can afford million dollar homes, it's hard to afford Mayberry. My kids think it's normal to have motor-powered scooters and take vacations to Jamaica at Spring Break.

SO.....with that said, I will be doing my best to accomplish these personal resolutions. What are your resolutions for the New Year?