Wednesday, September 02, 2009

IF I HAD WANTED A NIPPLE RING, I WOULD HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN ONE AT THE TATTOO SHOP

I introduce to you our lovely new kitty, Clarice. Bubby picked her out at the shelter and named her after Jody Foster in "Silence of the Lambs." Yes. We are the freaky morbid kind of family you might like to meet at a party, but also the family that you really thank god every waking moment that you don't have to live next door to them.





Isn't she pretty?





Clarice is a good little kitten. Clarice meows went she wants food, she uses her litter box dutifully and she purrs every time you pick her up. Clarice even like to torture our other five animals by chasing their tails and springing from under the bed to scare the shit out of them.





Clarice does have one teensy little annoyance though. Every morning at 4:30 am she wakes me up by sticking her entire 10 week old kitty nose and mouth up my nostril. She's not trying to find anything, Clarice is purring loud like a motor and sleeping. Clarice has decided that this is as close as it comes to being with mama because I refuse to nurse her.


It's all cute, you know, her face up my nostril - sleepy and purring.... but I'm allergic to cats. Please re-read those last four words if you think you didn't catch that.


So I firmly pry her from my nose and put her down at the end of the bed. As I start wheezing and reach over to my nightstand for my inhaler, Clarice sees this as an opportunity to attack my body with her super-sharp claws. I'm sure she figures that if I'm going to take her sleepy, purring ass out of my nostrils, then it must be playtime! But I am maternal that way. I laugh and coo and remember that she won't be a baby for long. So what if I'm up at 4:30 every morning instead of six. It's totally worth it, right?


Well........it was, until she hooked her claw in my nipple. Not only did she pierce the most sensitive place on my body, she couldn't get her talon out and struggled while I winced in pain for the next 30 seconds.





If I have a scar, I'm totally serving her up with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.


9 comments:

Carlos said...

catfight?!? hot...

TjRenee said...

It's less painful if you get it done at the tattoo shop, you know? And if you scout out a few shops, you can usually find a cute guy to handle the job. Just sayin'.

Ouchie! Owww!!

kate said...

Wait. You're allergic to cats and yet you have one? That sleeps with you? You must really love Bubby. I'm going to show this post to my husband (who uses his allergy as an excuse!) and tell him that if he really loved us, we could have a kitty too.

Sweet. I'm gettin a kitty, I'm gettin a kitty...nana na na naaahh.

Yours is cute, by the way. Even if she is evil.

Jodi said...

That's an evil looking kitty - and she has a mustache...

tallulah said...

Carlos-you wish!

TJ-It was very painful getting my belly ring done 15 years ago (still have it and it's awesome)but don't want my nipples done thank you very much!

Kate-Totally allergic. So is my husband. You can build up a tolerance to specific dander and saliva (from your kitty). It's kind of like allergy shots over a series of time. You are still allergic to other kitties outside your home though.
So hell yes! Get yourself a kitty!

Jodi-The whole family is evil. She fits right in!

kate said...

T, so let me see if I understand this: we can get a kitty so long as it sheds and drools all over David in order to build up his tolerance? Is that right? Because I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

tallulah said...

http://purebredcatbreedrescue.org/allergy_to_cats.htm
Kate- go to this website. They have a plethora of information on building up your tolerance for cat dander and saliva.

Candice said...

I'm pretty sure a nipple piercing is less painful than a kitty clitoris piercing.

It can always be worse!

tallulah said...

Thanks. I can always count on you looking on the bright side.