I introduce to you our lovely new kitty, Clarice. Bubby picked her out at the shelter and named her after Jody Foster in "Silence of the Lambs." Yes. We are the freaky morbid kind of family you might like to meet at a party, but also the family that you really thank god every waking moment that you don't have to live next door to them.
Clarice is a good little kitten. Clarice meows went she wants food, she uses her litter box dutifully and she purrs every time you pick her up. Clarice even like to torture our other five animals by chasing their tails and springing from under the bed to scare the shit out of them.
Clarice does have one teensy little annoyance though. Every morning at 4:30 am she wakes me up by sticking her entire 10 week old kitty nose and mouth up my nostril. She's not trying to find anything, Clarice is purring loud like a motor and sleeping. Clarice has decided that this is as close as it comes to being with mama because I refuse to nurse her.
It's all cute, you know, her face up my nostril - sleepy and purring.... but I'm allergic to cats. Please re-read those last four words if you think you didn't catch that.
So I firmly pry her from my nose and put her down at the end of the bed. As I start wheezing and reach over to my nightstand for my inhaler, Clarice sees this as an opportunity to attack my body with her super-sharp claws. I'm sure she figures that if I'm going to take her sleepy, purring ass out of my nostrils, then it must be playtime! But I am maternal that way. I laugh and coo and remember that she won't be a baby for long. So what if I'm up at 4:30 every morning instead of six. It's totally worth it, right?
Well........it was, until she hooked her claw in my nipple. Not only did she pierce the most sensitive place on my body, she couldn't get her talon out and struggled while I winced in pain for the next 30 seconds.