Monday, July 13, 2009


10. Your body decides to wake you out of a dead sleep in a tent in your backyard at 4:30 in the morning to tell you life is not like you think it is.

9. Just in case, your body teaches you a new lesson in retching. It explains to you that there may be something residual left in your stomach since 1983. This is a tutorial in "Patience through Torture."

8. Everything from your scalp to the tips of your toes are in excruciating pain. You wonder if you were struck by a mack truck while sleeping in your backyard. The only way to move from one place to another is to crawl slowly while moaning.

7. Your mouth tastes like ass (refer to #9), but due to intense pain (#8) you are stuck with ass-mouth until you are mobile. It may be days.....

6. You drift in and out of consciousness. You occasionally hear your voice mumbling and moaning aloud.

5. You often yell loudly for your husband to fetch something for you, but by the time he arrives you do not know what you needed (other than a vat of koolaid laced with cyanide).

4. You are so cold with your furry socks, flannel pajamas and three blankets piled on you that you cry big crocodile tears for your husband to turn off the overhead fan that's on low. It's all his fault that you are fucking freezing.

3. You demand Earl Grey tea (because no other will do) and saltines.

2. You curse the Gods that you rid your house of television because when you are sick with a 102 fever, there is nothing better than reality shows and infomercials.

1. You hear your 6 year old walk in and ask the 10 year old, "Is Mommy going to die?" and hear the older one respond "Umm....yes, it is possible." and quite frankly, you can't argue with the 10 year old.


Candice said...

Sounds like someone might need to stick something up her ass! Want me to send you some?

We are both pitifull these days aren't we?

Oh well, at least we have some cool shades!

Carlos said...

lol feel better. can't have my window to mayberry shut just yet... hydrate and stop playing with the pigs, yo!

tallulah said...

Yes Candice...we are definitely soul sisters. From asses to glasses we are TIGHT!

Carlos-Thanks for the advice! I have a tumbler full of wine that I'm sucking through a straw right now. Hydration....mmmm...good.

Melissa said...

Oh you poor thing! Get much rest! Oh and I know we just met but if you do go...can I have your shoes?

tallulah said...

Melissa-It's obvious you haven't followed my blog enough to think you would want to fill my shoes if I go(unless you speak literally-then they are all black and only about 6 pair, 1 wedge boot and a lovely pair of down bootie slippers that have been re-soled by Bubby.)

Jodi said...

Well, if you go, I sure as hell don't want those sunglasses.

You should have sent Bubby down to the Merc for some good soup or something. Hope to see you there soon!

I'm thinking about going to the Town Council meeting tonight, have you ever been to one? Don't feel like I can bitch about the crap that's going on unless I attend, and you know how I like to bitch...

tallulah said...

Jodi-Are you saying you don't like my sunglasses? I'm crushed.
Town Council started meetings cause of the crap I pull. My house always looks like it's one step away from being condemned..I'm always challenging them on crap. I am poster child!
Please let me know how it goes (or if they talk about me) :)

Jodi said...

Get outta here T! Your house is "lovely" - we are the Hillbillies! Receive a letter every few weeks!

I didn't go, I had to pick Adam up after a bike event. I did see them all leaving the clubhouse though and waved!

You want to go to the next one with me?

tallulah said...

I'll try to make the next one with you. Bubby is working job #2 now so I can stay home with the kidlets. Job#2 = single Mom.

Michelle said...

Ooh...your mouth tastes like ass.

I wish I could say I have never had that sensation.