Monday, June 29, 2009


I'm a Dr. Laura fan. That may surprise you since I seem to be on the crazy-ass end of liberal. I don't agree with everything Dr. Laura has to say, but I do agree with her on two specific things:
  • Stay at home and raise your children.

  • Men are simple creatures. Keep your man happy by feeding him good food and having sex with him.

Yes, I know....I'm so 1950's.

Sometimes, when I am bored, I like to play different roles....pretend you might say. Today I decided that when I was out in public, I would think like a man. What does that mean?


If you don't think that men have semen coursing through their veins every second of the day then you need your brain checked. Even if your man never gives you any indication that he is looking at other females (stoplights, grocery stores, work). He is. HE IS!

I ran an awesome experiment today. Every male that I encountered, I would just smile (NOT lick my lips or wink or be overt), just smile. I would look at him and size him up. That is it. I would glance at every male like they glance at me every single day of my life. I was exuding my sexual prowess.

And now you are laughing. I know. This smile? Geez...could she at least try to um...look like she's sexy? But this is how I smiled at every male I encountered. "Lalalalala. I'm a big doof."

Wow. Interesting experiment.

When I was at the pool with the kids today, I actually had a couple argue right in front of me because the man wouldn't stop looking at me. The woman got pissed and actually left her husband there with the kids. I know this for a fact because they couldn't keep their voices below a loud whisper. Believe me. I do not look great in a swimming suit. Everyone here in Mayberry has been lipo'd, spray-tanned and has intimidating augmentation. I on the other hand am scary-Vampire-white, bulging in all the wrong areas and veiny to boot. I consider myself quite scary in a swimming suit. But hey! I smiled at the guy!

When driving down the road, at stoplights, instead of just staring straight ahead, I would actually take the time to look next to me. And of course, smile at any male or female that met my gaze. Christian even asked me, "Hey Mom! Why is that guy next to us staring at you?"

When I was at the checkout at the grocery store. The checker (whom I have to say was WAY easy on the eye and about ten years younger than myself) actually said to me when he so gently handed me the receipt......

"I get off work at 6. You want to drop by?"

Me: "I'm sorry. I won't be available. I'll be at home feeding my four kids and husband.

And to say that he was dumbfounded would be an understatement. The sound of his jaw hitting the hard, glossy grocery store floor was priceless.

After this experiment, I now understand why we as women seem often distant with men. We can be all chatty with a woman at the store or in a check-out line and feel safe. I also understand something that Dr. Laura has been telling me all along. Pay attention to a guy (your guy) and he will be all yours.


Jodi said...

Man I wish I'd been just two steps behind you all day. You slut!

My thought for an experiment has been that I wanted to see how much money those people make at corners. Only I'd put a paper bag over my head.

I couldn't do it now that things have changed though, too many really good and decent people have ended up there due to circumstances of the economy.

Fun experiment you did though! If I tried something like that someone would ask me "Do you have something in your eye?" or "Did you know you have a big old ugly twitch going on on your lip?"

Just wouldn't be the same. Sigh...

Jodi said...

Ya know, if you'd "flip" your hair out, you and the doc would look an awful lot alike...

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Okay that first line made me throw up in my mouth a litle.
I'm glad I read further!

Carlos said...

lol awesome. i could have called this one in my sleep... kinda like doing an experiment to see if water is wet. i do agree though if wives kept us busy we would be too dumb to stray...

tallulah said...

Jodi-How dare you say I look like Dr. Laura! I would rather take the slut comment!

Carlos-Make wifey read this post. Maybe you will get some extra lovin.

Peggy-You crack me up!

Candice said...

I think men will stray regardless, but I get your point. ;)

dannogal said...

It's nice to hear that another liberal listens to Dr. Laura. I also don't agree with everything she says but I do think some of what she says is right. I honestly believe that if you make yourself someone he wants to come home to, he will. I've talked to so many men who say they had an affair because their wives didn't pay attention to them anymore.

That aside, the trip to the pool was hysterical! I too am one of those who do not work out, has not been 'altered' in some way and can't seem to get any color in the sun. The most I can hope for is going from 'clear to pale'. A little softness here, a little softness there - it's all good. Bring back the days when women like Marilyn Monroe were the sexy ones!

Keep bringing the good word, Tallulah! And, as a vampire junkie, I'm inclined to say that being lilly white is a great thing!

MeesheMama said...

No the checkout guy did NOT tell you what time he got off (no pun intended)!!