Yes. Yes, I am still here. I doubt anyone is even reading this blog anymore. It's become lame and inconsistent. Definitely not entertaining or funny by any means. I've been avoiding my emotions and as a result, avoiding this blog and all blogs I regularly read as well. Instead, I've been drowning my sorrow in daily crying jags...when no one is looking of course. Well now I can express my emotions to millions of people on the Internet. They say it's cathartic, right?
This was supposed to be a beautiful Spring filled with promise. Bubby and I adopting another child to add to our brood. But this past year has been a challenge with our children, especially Leroy. Anyone who has a child with high-functioning Autism can understand. Anyone who doesn't can't even begin to imagine...............
A short list:
Tori: Depression, ADHD, learning disabilities and mourning the loss of her biological Mom by taking it out on us daily.
Christian: Oppositional Defiance Disorder, ADHD, learning disabilities.
Leroy: Asperger's Syndrome, Depression and at times, off the chart anxiety and no impulse control.
Izzy: A child who would rather cut off his right arm than spend more than ten minutes away from his Mother.
I agree, it's a lot. We totally signed up for this and I'm not looking for pity. We knew that adopting children that had bio-Moms that drank, smoked crack, did Meth and basically ignored that they were even pregnant would possibly create special circumstances for our children. In addition, once these little people were born, I'm sure it didn't help that they were ignored, abused and then eventually taken away from their horrific situations way too late in the bureaucratic Welfare system. Bubby and I are rescuers. That's what we do.
But after having "the discussion" with Bubby on a date night two months ago, it has left me hollow and sad, angry and sad and then just a little more tearful anytime the word adoption comes up in conversation, print or thought.
I know the decision not to adopt another child is a decision warranted, but I feel as if I've lost a child. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a baby prematurely or to grieve about infertility and I don't pretend to. The closest thing I can compare it to (and it's a smack me in the face kind of feeling), is that there is a child literally in my city, in a foster home that could be ours to love and cherish for the rest of our lives. A child that like ours already, that has no place to call their own. A child with no family, a child that is lost and very much alone in the world. And unfortunately, foster children are America's throw-away children. Why would so many couples want white newborns or babies from another country?
I don't pretend to be the next Mia Farrow or Angelina Jolie. I know I can't save them all. I know I can only do my part. Maybe focusing on our children's issues and giving them the best life that I can without spreading the love too thin is all I can do.
But it doesn't feel like enough...............
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10 comments:
Cry all you want! As a woman that has survived the loss of a baby at 23 weeks and two others in the first trimester I can share with you that loss is loss and no ones loss is more painful then your own. It all sucks. One day you will cry less then the day before, notice something beautiful about the day, and know that you are on the road to recovery. Until then crying is the best medicine.
I'm sorry, Tallulah.
-Shevon
Loss is loss, I agree. Crying helps, and time will help. I lost a baby at two months to ectopic pregnancy, and it's not even enough time to feel pregnant, but still it was painful to go leave the hospital without a baby.
Then going through it again, when I had to choose having another baby or risk literal death after my last baby...I choose to play it safe for my 5 children. Still painful to think I could have another child and might not die anyway.
Cry all you want, and hopefully, the pain will lessen in time.
I know nothing about adoption or special needs kids but I do know what it is to be a mother and the intense feelings that come with it. So in a sense, I understand your mourning over the decision not to adopt any more children.
I'm very sorry for your sadness. Perhaps you're right...perhaps you are meant to focus solely on your children and continue to give them the very best life you can.
You're an amazing, loving, devoted woman whom I admire greatly. I've missed your posts, glad you're back. Vent all you need to.
Tallulah: you, my friend, are an absolute saint. Your four kids are incredibly lucky that you found them and brought them into your life. I wish you peace of spirit as you deal with the grief of your latest decisions. Just let the feelings come, acknowledge them as they wash over you, and let them move on in due time. That which we resist, persists...
-- Viaggiatore (http://ifnotnowwhen.typepad.com)
Because of you and Bubby 3 children (I think your littlest man is biological right?) have a life, a home and know love that they would NEVER have known otherwise! Three children have a chance at a REAL future, a REAL life and a sense that they are secure now and have the ability and security to take it out on someone who REALLY DOES care and WILL be there no matter HOW abusive they become because they are loved. It is not the same at all but whenever Baby J get's mad at me for some infraction in her two yearold little mind (LOL) and hits, yells tantrums I ALWAYS remind myself at least she is secure enough with me to be able to revolt! You ARE a special woman and you are making such a HUGE difference in the world just by doing what you do!
My dear friend - Grieving for loss is the first step to healing. I believe that all children pick their parents, yours just picked them later when you and Bubby came into their lives. And thank god for that! I don't even want to think about what their lives would have been like without you. You SAVED them..take that and run with it girlfriend.
Tallulah, you are more than entitled to your feelings. When I lost my two babies, I mourned the loss of what would and could have been. That's exactly what you're doing. I grieved for the child I was supposed to have, but didn't.
Is it possible that the ebb and flow of your life and the kids' lives is just low right now, and things could shift in a more positive direction later? Could you and Bubby revisit the idea of adoption when things settle a bit? I'm not making light of your situation, believe me. I echo Viggiatore that you are a saint. I could never do what you do - it takes a special heart to open yourself and your home to special needs children. But I have found that things do ebb and flow and I hope and pray for your sake that things turn out the way you wanted.
And if you don't adopt again, I hope you know how lucky those children are to have found you. Focus on the gift of life and parents and family that you have given them. There's a special place in heaven for you, girl.
I wish I had something insightful to say. From your past posts and photos it is so clear how much love is in your home even in the face of the challenges you have. I wish you all the best.
Thank you everyone for your comments. Sharing your stories and encouragement makes all the difference to me.
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