Monday, October 24, 2005

CONFESSIONS OF A FOOD SNOB


There are all sorts of snobs in this world. I have a couple of friends who are bathroom snobs. They would rather hold it for twelve hours, then pee in an unsanitary bathroom that was not up to their standards. These snobs always have handi-wipes and hand sanitizer stashed away in their purse.

I am no better. I am a food snob. I would rather skip the next couple of meals rather than have anything doused with cream of mushroom soup or pressed ham. I have become an expert at denying meals that are not on the uppity-up in my opinion: "Thanks, I just ate." "Thank you, but my stomach has been a little queasy today." "Thanks, I'm not hungry." "Thank you, but I'm dieting." blah blah blah.



The other day, I was feeding Izzy a nutritious lunch of peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and cheetos. He looked so happy sitting there with an orange face and fingers. The dye in cheetos is so harsh, it takes forever too clean his little body. Well, I haven't had a cheeto in about six years and I thought I might try one for fun. After plopping this strange thing that some people actually call "food" in to my mouth, the salty sensation hit my tongue with a pop! "Mmmmm....." I thought. "No wonder people like these so much."

After eating a few more, I had this craving for chocolate. I have my own gourmet stash hidden in a cupboard. No sense in wasting the good expensive stuff on the kiddies. After desperately foraging through the cupboard, I could find none and was in a state of despair until I found the bag of M & M's that I use for potty-training Izzy. Score!

I am now embarrassed to admit to what happened next. It has literally been eating away at me (pardon the pun) for several days now. If I don't confess to my actions.......I may just end up in the looney bin.

I started taking Izzy's cheetos off his plate and alternating between a cheeto and an M&M. Cheetos and Chocolate? Had I gone insane? Just typing the words makes it sound so disgusting. Izzy started crying because I was stealing all of his cheetos and I wasn't giving him any chocolate. I just couldn't stop! It tasted sooooooo good!

After getting Izzy another bag of cheetos and devouring hordes of cheetos and chocolate, I felt satiated. Then......the guilt set in. Why would I want to eat Cheetos and really bad Chocolate together? Am I PMSing? Maybe, I was stuffing my feelings with food like Oprah does. Maybe I'm the next food-a-holic snob that is a"closet junk food eater." Oh God, I hope not! I'm really banking on a total slip. I temporarily lost my mind and I will recover by confessing my actions on my blog.

Let's just hope the Cheeto company doesn't get a hold of this great idea and start manufacturing bags of Chocolate covered Cheetos. Then I'm really screwed.............








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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just try to think of them as aged-cheddar encrusted puffed polenta, and sugary coated chocolate confections... this may ease the guilt! BUT PLEASE don't say you bought them at Waltmart! Kendoll!

The Analyzer said...

My two favorites: nachos from a gas station with that disgustingly yummy cheese sauce, and pringles. Why eat a fried potato when you can have a dehydrated one?

Anonymous said...

There's hope for you after all. lol