Sunday, June 26, 2005


Are there any women out there that just LEEOVE their bodies? And if there were, would they admit it? I don't know. I have never heard a woman talk positively about her ass. I've never overheard a conversation where one woman was telling another: "Sarah. Have you seen my ass lately? It is looking sooo good. I can't wait to show it off in my cute little bikini!" And really people, if someone said that to you, would you really want to keep her around for a friend anyway? I want friends with issues.

I have issues with my body. HUGE issues. Up until the baby, I was skinny. I liked being skinny and eating anything I wanted. I didn't even mind that my breasts were concave. I just loved being like those waif models in all the magazines. I liked being called Olive Oil. I enjoyed eating fatty, greasy burgers in the presence of plump people. Call me sick.

Since the little one, things have changed. After the birth I went back to super-skinny size almost instantly. I was breast-feeding and keeping all the pounds off. I couldn't eat enough and was actually losing weight. Yee haw! Then Izzy stopped breastfeeding abruptly at eleven months and my body went into shock. My hips spread. My ass got all of these little pockets of fat in them. Even when I held out my arms and moved them, I had this weird gelatin-like stuff underneath my arms that wiggled. What happened? I was mortified. I still am.

Now that I have the fat out of the way, on to my skin coloring. Blindingly white. Scary vampire white.....with blue veins. Small capillaries sticking out all over my legs (thanks to wonderful genetics), and large blue veins running lengthwise down my chest. You say, "why don't you get a tan?" Not an option. Skin cancer and sunburns do not appeal. You say,"why don't you try that tanning cream?" I did. I look orange, streaky and unnatural. Like a vampire putting on makeup to mingle amongst the living.

Now that I've painted a pretty picture of a flat-chested, large assed white, veiny woman, the worst is yet to come........

I must flaunt it all at our local pool house on a daily basis. My children beg to swim every day and I beg God to let me get hit by a bus the half a block to the clubhouse.

It wouldn't be so bad if the people that lived in Mayberry were like the rest of America. Overweight, slovenly pigs trying to just find the remote. However, I live in a town where nearly EVERYBODY is health conscious. The women are fit. The men are fine. Everyone has a nice healthy tan and can relax at the pool after spending all week lifting weights and running with their personal trainers. There are bikers, marathon runners and pilate freaks for the choosing and they are all at the pool when I am there. Could everyone just clear out when I go to the pool please? Is that too much to ask?

I know. I know. I'm not there for me. It's for the kids. They just want to enjoy playing around in the pool. They just want to have some summer-time fun with their Mom. Sorry children. You picked the wrong Mom for this job. I hate the water and have less fun frolicking in it. I don't like splashing or playing water games. And damnit, I can't bring margarita's in my plastic water glass to enjoy on a hot summer day without getting trashed and passing out before Bubby gets home from work.

Hey, maybe if I had a few nice cool libations in my system, I wouldn't worry about how awful I looked in a swimming suit. Now I know why women take Valium.

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