Tuesday, March 16, 2010

WHEN THE PLANETS ARE NOT ALIGNED


Have you ever bought something at the store and then when you got home and unpacked your groceries, you pull out this something and said....."What the fuck?"

Disclaimer:

#1 - If you are male and don't want to read, think or discuss lady parts....leave NOW!

#2 - If you are a size 14 or larger....I absolutely have no qualms with your size. I love you just the way you are.


I have a confession to make.
*breathe tallulah.......breathe*

I shopped at Walmart today. Yes, I am embarrassed to say so. I normally don't shop at Walmart for many, many reasons. Some reasons I do not shop there are political, some are due to the fact that I really don't enjoy watching women beat upon or yell at their children. Unfortunately nearly every time I have touched my foot on Walmart soil, this has occurred.

I went to Walmart to get air-soft bullets for my rotten children. They like shooting up anything they can aim at. Evil little monkey's. Anyway, while I was there, I needed feminine products. It happens.

When I got home and was in the bathroom doing my lady business, imagine my surprise when I looked a little closer at the package........

"Always 14+"

14 plus? What the hell is that? Do you have to be fourteen or older to use this product?

As I unwrapped the packaging, I shit you not.....if you were anywhere in the vicinity of Mayberry, you would have heard a blood-curdling scream. (*insert horror flick scream here*)

These pads were big enough to use as a blindfold and wrap around my head............twice.

Apparently Walmart sells feminine products to the well-endowed lady wallets. I have Never. In. My. Life. Imagined. Such. A. Horrid. Thing.

So now, until tomorrow, I must wear a plastic diaper in my underwear slightly larger than the size of Miami.

I hate Walmart.....


12 comments:

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

OMG this made me howl! Thank you for the morning laughs!

I too do not shop Wal-Mart.
Mostly political reasons. Although the couple of times I have had to set foot in the store it makes me feel good about myself. I have never seen such fat,unkept, horribly dressed and homely people and I leave there size 14 and all, feeling pretty damn good about me. :-)

And BTW I don't find a need for anything bigger than the regular size. Hmmmm......
Oh this cracks me up.Who wears these?

elle said...

Seriously? What? Just 'cause you're a size 14 (which I have been)doesn't mean your vag is bigger! I have NEVER heard of this either.

Jodi said...

So those suckers come in sizes????? Who knew! I went through meno about 5 years ago so things have evidently changed.

You have no idea how I've missed your posts. Glad you're back and creepy guy is, well, not gone, but down a few posts.

Jennboree said...

I've used the #14's. After I had my babies and needed a small boat to service my needs down there so I wouldn't have to move my stitched belly at all.

Wal-Mart. You'll never walk out of there without a visual you'd rather forget.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100318/ap_on_bi_ge/us_wal_mart_racial_comment

Our favorite store at it's finest.

Lucas said...

My girlfriends who have kids call theirs "flappers" but I love "lady wallets"! That's a new one. Hilarious stuff and Walmart is INDEED the devil, just like high fructose corn syrup!

Lucas said...

My girlfriends who have had kids call theirs "flappers". I've never heard of "lady wallets" before but it's hilarious!!! And Walmart is indeed the devil, just like high fructose corn syrup!

Kiki said...

Now that's what I call a MAXI!

Kristin said...

A few comments...I think there is probably a special place for those of us who DO NOT shop at Walmart except when we do :). And I'm a size 14 but do NOT consider myself fat, extra large or needing to buy specialty sized feminine products. You gotta love marketing...creating a need where there is no need.

Also, I just met your son with his gas mask...I wasn't clear why he had it but he and Garren knocked on my door to let me know they made it home but had to push the mule because they ran out of gas...now they're going to rest while playing vids on Garren's wall sized TV :). You gotta love being a kid. [boisecommaidaho]

The Girl Next Door said...

OMG!!!!!! I about peed my pants reading this!!! I had NO clue!!! SO funny!!!

~*Katie*~ said...

I never knew they made them that large? I'm a big girl and the regular size is just fine!! I already feel like I'm wearing a diaper with the regular, I don't need them to actually make real diaper sizes!!! :) I LOVE your blog!! I'm you newest follower!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

HOLY CRAP!!! If you can use it for a blindfold, and I'm a size 14 - I think it would STILL be too big for my drawers. In related news, I would have thought 14+ was an age thing as well, not size. That being said I still buy what I think is considered the "TEEN" size of pads for extra protection. Seriously I don't like a huge ass pad.

P.S. I'm STUCK shopping at Wal-mart every week because all the other local grocery stores are SO expensive. Needless to say it sucks. Where are these women that beat their kids at? They certainly aren't in my local town of Alabama - the kids are HOG WILD in the isle of our walmart. One day, I vow that I will (unintentionally mind you) take one of them out with my shopping cart! Little brats! It's the ones running around that drive me nuts - or maybe the babies with beet red faces coughing their heads off in the middle of swine flu season while their parents shop for DVDs that drive me crazy - I could go on for AGES. I'm so glad I found your blog!