Monday, August 21, 2006


Many bloggers that I correspond with have either adopted children or are in the process of adopting children. As you may already know, Bubby and I have four adopted children and one biological. Our adoption story is different than many. Issues that we feel are important and right for us, may not be acceptable or right for others. We are coming from a different place. No adopted child in our family was "given up for adoption." Our children were taken away from their parents......drugs in utero, neglect, abandonment and abuse (physical and sexual) just to name a few. Here are some things that I believe:

*"First Mothers" and "First Fathers" is a politically correct term within the Adoption community and is a ridiculous term. I believe that being a Mother or a Father is an action (verb) rather than something you call someone (noun). I prefer to use terms like "the woman who gave birth to you" and "sperm donor." These are more accurate terms.

*Babies that are given up for adoption should have as little contact with birth families as possible. There are clear and concrete reasons why these children are being given up. I am completely against "Open Adoption." The only exception is that if an older child that has been adopted had relationships with other siblings or a foster family.

*I think that adopted children should have access to information regarding biological relatives when they turn 18.

*There are currently over 134,000 children in foster care (just in the U.S.) waiting for permanent homes. That is 134,000 lives that could be changed forever through the love and commitment of couples wanting children. That's not to mention older children spending their entire lives in Orphanages around the world. Discarded.

*The idea that people inside the U.S. adopt babies from other countries (for instance...China) when there are healthy African American and Hispanic babies in this country waiting for adoption and getting adopted out to other countries like Canada is in my opinion....racist. It is socially acceptable to have a baby from China, not a crack baby from the ghetto. Very sad.

*Seeing those advertisements on all of the adoption websites of happy, smiling couples giving their bio to women that are pregnant makes me ill. Couples with slick resumes promising the good life for children complete with a tire swing in the backyard and Grandma living next door. To think that adopting a white infant and spending tens of thousands of dollars on attorney/adoption fees can guarantee anything is just nutty. The couple could get divorced two years from now, the child could develop a neurological disorder or develop cancer. NOTHING is guaranteed.

Sigh....I could go on forever. But you get the point. I expect this blog will get a fair amount of hate mail.

On a positive note....Bubby and I are feeling the tug again. Maybe our family isn't complete yet?


MomSquared said...

Yes, but if you have moral issues with being matched with a pregnant woman, and you are too afraid to do foster care, then what are your options for adopting a baby in the United States? That's what I was asking a few posts ago. My husband will fall in love with whatever kid comes into our home and having a child that we've been caring for taken away would be too much for him (and probably me) to handle. So what's our option besides being "racist" and adopting a baby from an orphanage in Vietnam?

MomSquared said...

Also, I think your view might be a bit skewed considering the fact that your children's first parents were incompetent and/or abusive.

Not all first parents are like that, and it's not fair to generalize.

tallulah said...

Momsquared- I'm not sure what your options are. For us, the children were legally free, or ALMOST legally free (paperwork being finalized). Legally free infants are not easy to come by. There are no easy answers. I think problems arise when you want an infant no matter what country you decide to adopt from. They are in high demand and people are willing to pay big bucks for them. Some friends of ours adopted from Guatamala. The country is so corrupt on thier adoptions, they were just paying anyone involved thousands of dollars just to ensure the adoption would go through. They spent well over $40,000. Sad.
I do admit, my views are skewed considering the people were incompetent/abusive. I did have a very good friend in highschool though that got pregnant at 14 and stayed at a home for unwed mothers. She chose a family. The family went to the hospital, held the baby and were excited to take their new son home. Friend decided to see baby and changed her mind and kept it. Not only were the adoptive parents crushed, but said child had to endure being passed around from relative to relative while friend partied her teen years away. Boy would have done better in a home with stable parents.
It may not be fair to generalize about "first parents", but we all have opinions about adoptions....those are mine!

MomSquared said...

"The country is so corrupt on thier adoptions, they were just paying anyone involved thousands of dollars just to ensure the adoption would go through."

We were actually in process for Guatemala for about 5 days until I came to realize the potential for corruption there.

KaY said...

Maybe instead of pointing out to each other or to the world how skewed, corrupt, or what have you things are ... we should just applaud each other and one another for the good heart that you guys have. You have your own reasons fro adopting and whatever those reasons are, as long as you do raise those kids with love and affection and do your best to make sure that they become good people ... it shows that you guys are good people.

Its not easy raising someone else's kids and for the two of you to be willing to do that ... you should be proud of yourselves.

I wish there were more people like you.

And it shouldn't matter which country the kids come from.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Tallulah's perception. What I would like to add, is that unless you fit into the "mainstream" a lot of the private adoption routes won't touch you! My husband and I tried "traditional" agencies and were informed that because we were gay we either couldn't use their services because of their beliefs, or we stood little chance because there were so many "traditional" families needing children! We opted to go the Foster Care route and helped to raise 5 teenage foster girls, who for the most part, grew to be productive young adults. We have also adopted our son who is now 12. He came from the same type of home as Tallulah speaks. We did opt for open adoption, but if he would have been younger we would have opted for closed. Our son was considered a "difficult" placement, and was actually grouped into a "specialized adoption group" becuase he was difficult to place... this just astonishes me, because he is the MOST wonderful boy a parent could hope for.. I get DAILY praises from people who know him on what a fine young man he is... and to think.. he was conisdered a "throw away" child by many.... their loss was definately a blessing to us!


tallulah said...

Oh Kendoll! You make my heart sing!

Jennboree said...

Very interesting dialogue going on here. I can understand all view points. I simply believe it takes special people to adopt or foster other's children, no matter the circumstances surrounding that child's background. Every child deserves a loving home.

cloudscome said...

I have adopted infants domestically twice. I am single and have a bio son I was blessed with through an unplanned pregnancy. I have done respite and interim care for infants and seen them sometimes join new families and also sometimes return to their parents.

I think open adoptions are better for the children in most cases. First mothers love their children and are usually doing the best they can, just like all of us. That said, each family is unique, and I think everyone gains when we can listen to a variety of perspectives with respect and compassion.

This is my first time visiting here. I am looking forward to reading more of your blog in the future.

Shoshana said...

I am sure there are a lot of reason why children are given up for adoption, why parents adopt...what I can't understand is, with these many parents wanting a child, there doens't seem to be any available unless you have gone through a millions hoops.

I hear on the news about babies being thrown in dumpsters, yet here are wonderful potential parents waiting years and years to get a child. It's just a little weird to me.

I think like Tallulah about the term "mother/father/parenting". The "sperm and egg" donors might give birth to a child, but "parents" are the ones who are there all the time. They're the ones who goes sleepless for worrying, wiping snot, changing diapers, celebrating birthdays, giving hugs, etc. Just because one can produce a child does not mean they are parents. As to what do we call them "child donors"? I do not know. Sperm/Egg donor seem a little tacky. I guess you could say "biological donors". said...

I think you are confusing the removal of a child from an abusive situation with adoption.

Adoption is one thing and removal because of neglect and abuse is another.

You can say what you have to say without putting mothers like me down. I am my daughter's mother, I never stopped loving her, I never stopped thinking about her. She is my daughter because she is born to me. The fact that we were seperated by adoption doesn't make me any less her mother.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't lump us in with the mothers who abused and neglected their children and had them removed. I invite you to come and read our blogs and get to know us a little better, who knows, you might not want to be so insulting to us if you did that.

tallulah said... I checked out your blog but I just don't know where you are coming from. I applaud you for giving up the child for adoption rather than aborting it. I really don't think that women giving birth to children that they are giving them up for adoption are evil, wrong, bad or abusive. What I do believe, down to my that they are not Mothers. Mothers care for their children, change diapers & stay up all night rocking their babies to sleep. Mothers devote their entire lives to their children. It doesn't make you (or any other woman who has given up a child)a terrible person...just not a Mom. Beautiful women come in all forms. Women who give up their children are some of the most beautiful souls I have encountered. Please, don't take it too personally. It's just my opinion. said...
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Anonymous said...

I think you're nuts. I was in foster care, and I wanted nothing more than to have contact with my biological family. And I have always considered my bio parents my REAL parents. I was adopted, abused there, and was much better off with my REAL parents. You are not a real parent, you are an adoptive parent. The first parents are natural parents.

Joy said...

Wow, as an adult adoptee want to weigh in on how down on my knees thanking Jesus I am that I was adopted by a woman who holds very different attitudes than you.

I found this very offensive.

I won't be back, and am not going to ask you to check out adult adoptee blogs. I am not as big hearted as Kim.